The Maple Monster

-2 Eggo’s

-2 Eggs (Scrambled)

-a healthy helping of ham

-1 slice American cheese

-maple syrup

Ever since I first fell in love with McDonalds’ tasty McGriddle, I’ve been inspired attempt my own. Being too ashamed to order more than one, I would gobble up every precious maple infused morsel of that teasingly small sandwich. It wasn’t until I read Tucker Max’s I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell a few years ago that I realized other people were equally drawn to it.

So today I set out to make my own. The idea has been rattling around my brain and I’ve been trying to determine the best way to go about it. Buying maple infused Eggo’s seemed like too obvious a solution. Why fake it when you can use real (fake) maple syrup from the bottle? A little unknown fact about myself, I’m a lifelong fake maple syrup user.

I decided to go with Buttermilk Eggo’s and ham for the meat option. I scrambled two eggs and went with one slice of white American cheese. The Eggo’s weren’t quite the kind of quality I chose to remember from my childhood, but they sufficed.

After finishing my sandwich (which was delicious as expected), I thought there were two things I would have done differently. One, toast the waffles more thoroughly. These things are bone dry and ready to absorb any type of moisture they come in contact with so make them extra toasted or they’ll just get flip-floppy. Also, go ahead and be generous with the amount of ham. Life’s too short to skimp on these sorts of things.

Better Movie than a Sandwich

The Breakfast Club

270 Western Ave., Allston, MA

Price: $5.97 (plus tip)

Rating: 55/100

Fullness: not the type you’re proud of

While cruising around Brighton in my Edible Arrangements van this afternoon, I felt a little rumble in the old spare tire (around my waist) so I stopped into The Breakfast Club diner on Western Ave. I stepped up to the empty counter and ordered a bacon, egg & cheese on a bagel. The girl put in the order and then I told her “make that bacon crispy, please.” She said “sure, no problem” and dropped back into the kitchen where she placed my request with the cook. Then in plain view started running her fingers through his hair scratching his scalp like an attention starved dog. Lord knows the amount of dander that was released into the air. For the sake of my appetite though, I tried to ignored this...

After 10 minutes or so, the man-puppy packaged up my BEC and a side of homefries in a to-go tray and I returned back to the van. Two or three bites into my meal, I looked up for a moment to take a breath. To my dismay, I witnessed the very same hands that made my sandwich being stuffed between the backseats of a mid-size SUV. Trash cans saddled up next to the car filled with food wrappers and coffee cups and a vacuum cleaner already inside. It appeared as though this project had begun long before I got there…

Anyways, the sandwich.

I might have given it a “not bad” if I was able to ignore the unappetizing events that The Breakfast Club had to offer. The bacon was plentiful, but reheated. The egg was real and fried. The bagel was soft inside, although somewhat over toasted on the outside. And the cheese was cheesy. It was one of those sandwiches you don’t jump to tell people about, but it got the job done just fine.

For some reason I always look at old diners so fondly with that folded metal exterior, but it’s the same crap every time. Greasy cooks and standard make-your-chest-hurt breakfast. Next time I see a roadside diner I think I’ll keep driving.

_Bacon Phantom

"If he gets up... we'll all get up... it'll be anarchy!"